Fear...

Hey Everyone,

I hope life is treating you with good times and fun memories. So, just a small update on my life, I have been working at a recreation center in the Child Watch area and I am LOVING it!!! What is it about kids that I love? Well, everything to be exact. I have found that working with kids in this job and my last job that kids know no fear or even fully understand it. So, how is it that as we get older the fears we once had as children become so massive that we can't seem to live our lives to the absolute fullest and happiest? 

I remember growing up I had fears of dinosaurs (still do actually), monsters under the bed, and a fear of failure in my teen years. As I have grown, I don't fear monsters under my bed anymore because I know that they don't exist at least not in the way that they are portrayed in movies and books. Don't get me wrong monsters are real, but we all have different monsters that we struggle to fight and defeat. Other times we just simply run from our monsters or try to hide from them. I used to run from all of my monsters (aka fears and problem), I would deny that the monster existed or ignore it and try to do everything on my own. I was doing everything wrong, I should have stood and fought when needed and let go of the deadly monsters that I had created in my mind. I still struggle with my monsters each and everyday, but I have prevailed time and time again. So, why can't I just conquer all of my monsters with such ease, like I have seen a child do? Children are not born with fear, fear is created over time, usually by our own hand but there are others that inflict that fear and pain. Why can we not do as little children and not fear? We are to learn and grow, everything has conflict in this life. We were not promised a conflict free life, we were promised to be pulled through this life and made stronger if we rely on God and His promise that He will be there for us every second of everyday. No matter if life is going well or if life is hard, we need to remember that we aren't alone in this world. We haven't ever been alone, why would we be alone now? I have seen so many people of different faiths, grow stronger and are much happier in this life when they trust in God. We can do everything by the book, but what we need to do is listen to that Still Small Voice, some say it's our conscience, others say it's a loved one that has passed away, and others say that it's the voice of God. I believe it's a bit of all, because our conscience is our opinion occasionally and it can cause an inner war within ourselves. Our loved ones will do anything they can to keep us safe and will do what they can to warn us. Many have said been quite surprised when I tell them that I suffer from panic attacks, that's because I hide that fact as away and do my best to keep moving forward. I was once a planner, everything in my life had to be perfect and go a certain way. I fell so hard, and became a very miserable, negative Nancy when I did that. I also learned the hard way to trust in the One who has a plan for me by doing my best to take time to breathe and truly listen to Him, and "be not afraid" of what was to come for me. Growing up this was my plan: 16 go to high school and learn to drive, at 18 have an amazing job, an apartment of my own, a boyfriend who cares about me and become engaged by the time I was 21 years old. None of that happened, I dropped the of the 8th grade because of my SPD, which was undiagnosed at that time and things were crushing me emotionally. At 16 I lost a very close cousin, who was 2 weeks younger than me. He passed away in a very scary and violent way, but he felt no pain as his death was a quick one. For 6 years after that I lived in fear that my turn to die was around the corner, no matter who was trying to reassure me. At 18 years old I had my first beau, I was very head over heels in love but he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did him. He left the state and I was devastated and for years I didn't dare because I was terrified of rejection again. I turned 25, and I started dating again, but that ended and horribly, so again I was terrified of being rejected by someone I deeply cared about. So, everything i ever had planned in this life, never happened for me, so I must live day to day so that I don't become a slave to fear. Well, I might be going through another broken heart all over again because of my tangled, unexplainable life. I just hope that the plan of marriage does come my way because I can't do this life on my own and I can't rely on my parents because they have their own lives to lead, which shouldn't involve kme needing them every step of my life. I do have my Father in Heaven who loves me and refuses to give up on me. And I cannot repay Him, all I can do is obey Him to the best of my abilities and continue to Love others, as He Loves me.

Warrior Daughter