Playing Catch Up.....

 Hey Everyone,

    WOW!! I can't believe that my last post was almost a full 2 years ago. Life has been extremely crazy for me lately, but I want to take the time to let y'all know what has been going on in my life since my last post.

    Since my last post, a lot has happened, in just this year alone. Let's be real is this Jumanji game ever going to end? 😉 This year has been rough of all of us, with COVID-19 striking earlier this year, places we used to go just opening back up with new rules and restrictions. It feels like a new normal, I pray that is NOT the new normal because we don't need to live in a world full of fear, anger, hate and anxiety. These things are the things that I am trying my best to keep out of my life, but I am only human and I have my weaknesses just like everyone else. Let me start at the beginning.

     So, in my last post I mentioned that I was working at a recreation center, in the Child Watch area. Well, I was there for 1 full year. I met some amazing kids, little ones that I will always hold in my heart, and I also met some troubled kids. They too have a place in my heart, that is probably weird to say, but it's the full honest truth. I regretted leaving that job, so much so that when I had a chance I went back. I am back working there and it's been quite an adjustment to what things were like before I left. Now, y'all are probably wondering why I left in the first place, if I was just going to go back? That's a very good question and one that I have found myself pondering lately. I believe it boils down to, I couldn't take the drama that was going on at the recreation center and work another job later in the day. The drama at the recreation center was happening between two of my coworkers, and I somehow found myself (and another coworker) in between an argument with the two other coworkers who seemed to be fighting with each other. It didn't help that at that time I was a shift lead aka Legend, and I was supposed to be helping my coworkers work through their problems. That's easier said than done when one of those coworker is trying to throw you under the proverbial bus, this is I feel. I have never been one to take sides in anything! It is not my place to be like, "That person did you wrong." or "That wasn't fair to you, they should be made to apologize to you." If you know me, you know that drama and I clash BADLY! I don't believe everything that I am told, that is unless I have 2 sides to the story, then I take the facts from both sides and do what I can to defuse an argument that I may be in the middle of (that is if I get both sides of the story, which did not happen at the rec center), or if it's a publicized story I do what I can to research and let the facts speak for themselves. I am not one to be so gullible and just take everything in that everyone tells me, but I will admit I did just that about 10 years ago. I look back on those times and it breaks my heart to see the struggles I was dealing with and just how unhappy I was. I lied to myself daily and convinced myself that I was happy, I was dealing with much bigger problems. I may touch down on that more later. So, I found that I was constantly coming home, from work, completely void of any and all of my energy and that trying to work two jobs (again) wasn't worth losing my mental health over. So, instead of going with my gut instinct and stay working at the recreation center a while longer, I went against my better judgement and went to work solely at the other job. My other job was working with kids, in very much almost the exact same situation that I was working in at the recreation center, the only differences were that parents were donating plasma instead of working out or taking a fitness class. The ages of the kids varied from what I was used to at the recreation center, so I had to make a very minor adjustment there. Then there was the size of the room, it is maybe about a 1/4 of the size of the recreation center room. I thought, "Yay!! Fewer kids, and the ages are a bit closer and I can totally handle this job, because I survived the rec center." Well, that came back tenfold and bit me in the butt, HARD! I am super sensitive to certain things, and this little tiny room wasn't helping me with kids yelling or throwing toys. I honestly wanted to leave that job at the plasma donation center, 3 months into working there, and I probably should have. Things definitely took a BIG turn for the worse the longer I stayed there. I left that job in February of this year because I had, had enough and at that time I was applying to other job positions and thought to myself, "I will have a job in no time with me applying as much as I have." It was literally a week and a half later that everything was shut down and work hunting became almost impossible for me. My brother was working out of an office and then was sent home to work remotely, 4 people at home 24/7 for 6 months is not easy and funds were tight for me and my family. I kept on applying for jobs that I was interested in, I got a few interviews but nothing came from all of that work. So, that's when I asked about a position at the recreation center, and I was welcomed with open arms! 

    But during this pandemic, things for me seemed to get worse. I was constantly sleeping, snapping at my family (over stupid stuff I might add), and I was to the point of losing my mind. At the start of the pandemic, I was freaking out! Everything I was hearing about the COVID-19 virus, was anything from it's not as deadly as the flu, to it's deadlier then the flu. Mixed messages like that don't help my anxiety or my moods. That's when, in August of this year, I finally decided to seek professional help.  I have been tested for ADHD, because my mind LOVES to go a thousand miles an hour (especially when I am super stressed out) and some other mental hiccups that I deal with on a daily basis. Which, let's be honest who hasn't been super stressed out with this pandemic? I am however hoping that this time in therapy, we (me, my therapist, and mom) can get to the bottom of what my problems are with holding down a job and why I keep going back to jobs that may not get me anywhere. So, hopefully these test results are more conclusive than other testing that I have done in the past.

     So, as I wait for my test results my anxiety is extremely high and my moods are swinging like a pendulum in a tornado. I have been a bit more distant that I usually am, and definitely not as supportive as I usually am nor as happy I would like to be, been very moody lately. That has shown a lot in just the past 3 days. I have tried to not be so distant or moody but that doesn't always work with me, and I don't know why. I have been seeing a guy now for a little over 2 1/2 years, and we had a bit of an argument a couple of days ago and now I am in the dark as to whether or not we are still boyfriend/girlfriend. When I last saw him, I thought we were okay, but now I am not so sure. And now I am having to navigate those unpleasant waters again, on top of everything else. I know that I am strong enough to withstand all of this, but it sure as heck ain't easy. 

     I have been through a lot worse then this, and because of my Savior Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven, I know that this too WILL PASS, because of Their faith in me. They are my rock in times like these (and my family) and I couldn't be more thankful to Them for helping me through all of this, despite my sins against Them. They have always loved me, forgiven me (when I repent) and They will always be there with Their arms open wide for the BIGGEST, BESTEST hugs ever. They have always calmed me during the trials and tribulations in my life, trials and tribulations that I have more than likely brought upon myself.  I just wish that I could somehow repay Them for EVERYTHING that They have given me, really blessed me with in this life. I do hope that when my time on this earth is through, that I am worthy enough to stand in Their calming presence, bright light, and positivity that I probably can't even begin to imagine.   

I hope that y'all are doing okay during these very uncertain and scary times. Hang in there and remember that YOU TOO CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ALL OF THIS CRAZINESS!! May God and our Savior Jesus Christ be with you to calm you as They have calmed me. LOVE Y'ALL!!

Warrior Daughter