Holding on to Hope and My Faith....

 Hey Everyone,

    I hope that life is treating you well and all is good for you and your family. So, as of late I have been struggling with doubts and fears, something that we all battle. When doubt and fear enter my mind, I seem to focus on that darkness. Something that I really don't like about my mind, but I have also learned to fight back and successfully stay in the light, even though it isn't as bright as I would like I am still there, safe and calm. I know that my beliefs aren't the same as everyone else's, that is just fine. I believe in God, I commonly call Him Heavenly Father, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, aka LDS or aka Mormon church. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, when we turn the age of 8, we can choose to be baptized and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, he is our constant companion. I have had many experiences where the Holy Ghost, with the help of my ancestors, has kept me safe. I have been dealing with a lot of fear lately too and I have been doing my absolute best to overcome it, but that may not happen right now. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I suffer from panic attacks, and other mental health issues. Well, after having more testing done this year, the answers I got aren't quite making sense to me. My therapist has recommended even more testing, because of some of my weird and unique quirks. I hope that I can get some sort of testing done and maybe hopefully get the answers I am seeking, about myself. Now let me tell you some stories from my past about my experiences in overcoming doubts and fears.

    When I was about 8 or 9 years old, my family had a swing set in our backyard. Anyone who knows me, will know that I can spend hours swinging or in water. Well, I was alone in the backyard swinging and connecting with nature. I had lost my Grandma Bonnie at this time, and was struggling a little bit. I had a necklace that she gave me in my hand as I was swinging. The next thing I know, the chain with the heart pendant is flying through the air. I stopped swinging and ran over to where I thought I saw it land. I found only the chain, I panicked, it was something that I didn't want to lose. I looked in the area I found the chain, but couldn't find the heart pendant anywhere! A small voice, and a strong feeling came over me, that little whisper (it was so quiet that if I had made any noise I wouldn't have heard this whisper.) said, "Go pray, and you will find it." This was a bit weird to me, and all I could think of was "The First Vision". For those who may not know what this is, it is when a 14 year old boy named Joseph Smith Jr. went into the woods and prayed for help in knowing what religion to was true, so that he could join. That is when a 14 year boy, with very little education, got to see our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. This just blows my mind, 14 years old!! How did Joseph remember things and not be so overwhelmed with his own thoughts, that he was able to record what had happened? I always try to put myself in another persons shoes, but at times like that, I struggle to, but I am not supposed to know, just trust and believe. So, back to my story, these feelings and thoughts in my mind lead me to find a very quiet place to pray. It was damp and cool outside, I believe it was an early spring morning, so kneeling down to pray on the damp ground wasn't very appealing to me. I calmly went back into the house and I felt like I needed to go into my room to pray. Well, at this time I was sharing my room with my two siblings and rarely was our room quiet enough to pray. I thought to myself, "I can't pray in my room! Someone is going to be in there! Where else can I pray?" and I started to think of other places where I could go and pray. But that feeling and voice kept repeating, "You need to go to your room to pray." So, I poked my head into my room and saw that it was empty. I walked over to my bed and knelt down to pray, my heart was broken because I felt like I had just lost something very valuable to me and my family, and I was very nervous to tell my mom what had happened even though it was an accident and not on purpose. As I started to pray, I felt very calm, my once shaken nerves were now calm. I finished my prayer and went back outside to find the pendant. With the chain in my hand (or pocket, I can't quite remember) I started to head to where I found the chain, thinking the heart couldn't have gone far from where the chain landed. As I was approaching that area, I felt like I was being pulled in a different direction. I didn't doubt or question this feeling, it literally felt like someone's hand was pulling my hand in the direction I needed to go. You would think, wow, that's scary. I will admit, I was nervous for a split second and then the strongest sense of calm washed over me. I followed this feeling, looked down and there it was!!! laying about 6 feet or so away from where the chain had landed. My mind was very confused as to how that could have happened, after all the chain is lighter then the pendant, the pendant should have fallen first and not that far from the chain. I was over the moon happy that I found it!!! I rushed back into the house and told my mom all about what had happened. 

    Story number 2. This took place about 7 or 8 years later. My family and I had moved twice since the last story, I moved to where I am currently living and this is home. My childhood home was home at one point in my life, but it is so different from what I remember that it was home once upon a time. So my parents had been divorced for about 4 years at this point in my life. In the LDS church, we have activities for boys and girls the ages are 12-18 years old, we call this Yong Men and Young Women. This particular activity was more or less a chance to ride the horses our Bishop had at the time. For those who may not know, the Bishop is the man that presides over a certain area and the families that live in that area. We went and saddled the horses up. This particular day was cloudy, with a little bit of rain. The horses where a bit restless, tuning into the world around them and feeding off of that energy. My bishop had 5 horses in his field at the time, but he wanted to saddle just 3 horses, safety reasons because we weren't the most experienced riders. So, that left two horses to run around. The storm was really getting to the youngest horse, he was running around and bucking ever so slightly, the other free horse was being taken to the corral to be separated from those of us who were riding, the youngest horse was next. But before they could get to the youngest horse, he ran right in front of the horses my brother, sister and I were riding. These horses were pure Arabian horses, meaning they are excellent race horses and will run any chance they can get and are a competitive breed of horse. When the youngest horse ran in front of us, all three horses wanted, and did run, that is except for me and the horse I was on. The second I felt him try to jolt, I knew I didn't want to be on his back and him running. So, I yanked the reins back towards my right hip, this was so that the horse knew I didn't want him to run, I was trying to get off. That is until he started to semi-buck, the father of the bishop called it crow hopping. The horse was not happy that I took charge, so he did what he could to get me off so that he could run. A semi- buck is when the horse arches his back while jumping up, but not extending his hind legs. The horse did that 2 or 3 times, before the reins came loose from my gloved hand. I thought that everything was okay and that I could get off safely. Well, I was mistaken, the next thing I knew I was seeing part of the saddle and horse beneath me, I had be partially bucked off, my right foot was still in the stir-up of the saddle and the reins in my hands. And I thought to myself, "I can totally land back in the saddle, and just let him [the horse] just run." That is until a very familiar feeling and voice, this voice being clear as day, still soft but loud enough for me to hear. Not a whisper this time around said, "Let go, hit the ground. You will be okay." I was being stubborn and thought I could get back in the saddle and finish riding, until I heard that same voice one more time, "Let go, hit the ground. You will be fine." This time I trusted the voice and let go, fearing that I was going to be badly injured or have the wind knocked out of me, I started to panic when all of the sudden I was calm and at peace. No my life didn't flash before my eyes, but I felt like I was being lowered to the ground. I feel like two of my Great Grandfathers where there carrying me to the ground, they themselves owned horses and knew what to do. About two feet from the ground, that feeling disappeared and I felt the land underneath me. The wind wasn't knocked out of me and no serious injuries. I laid on the ground for a good 45 seconds to a full minute, making sure I was safe and uninjured. Then I stood up, shaken up a bit but for the most part calm. I saw my mom rushing towards me and asking me if I was okay, I told her I was just fine and I asked if my siblings were okay. My brother was just fine, he was able to stay on his horse, but he was super sore the next day, from tensing as much as he did. I can't say that I blame him. My little sister, wasn't quite as lucky as our brother though. While her horse was running, he jumped over a hole in the ground, this caused my little sister to fall out of her saddle partially. She was hanging on and pulling the reins on her horse, the way she was pulling on the reins caused the horse's head to turn and not be able to see straight in front of him, that caused him to stop. When the horse stopped, my sister had one leg on the top of the saddle and her other foot was still in the stir-up. I joke and say that she was truly riding side saddle. :) After we were gathered, we were all told, especially me that I needed to get back on the horse to let him know that I wasn't afraid and I was still in charge. Just the mere thought of getting back on this particular horse terrified me, but I got back on anyway. The following day I discovered that the back of my left hip and my left shoulder were bruised, I landed on two rocks when I was bucked off. I didn't hurt too much, but it was just enough to cause discomfort. Had I not listened to that voice and I had let go any sooner or later, I probably would have gotten seriously hurt. I am still thankful to this day that my brother and sister were not on the horse I was on, I can't even begin to imagine what would have happened if I had picked a different horse that day. A few months, when summer came we went riding again for a combined Young Men/Young Women activity. And once again I was the one riding the horse that bucked me off, that thought of it could happen again crossed my mind again and again, but one more time, it was my last time sadly, I climbed up and sat in the saddle and I knew that I was going to be okay. 

    Last and final story, my least favorite story, but one worth telling. It was the year 2012, the day Halloween, October 31st. My most favorite day of the year!! I woke up with extreme pain in my right side. I didn't want to eat, because I was that nauseous. My mom took one look at me and said, "You are going to the doctor's." I knew better than to argue with my mom and I was wanting to know what was causing the pain in my side. Just before this all went down, I was given the full television series "Full House", one of my favorite shows growing up. Well, I as was getting ready for the day and my appointment with the doctor, I hopped in the shower, hoping for some relief which never came. The only thought that crossed my mind, was one episode of "Full House". It was Michelle's birthday and her Aunt Becky went into labor, and Michelle's Uncle Jesse was experiencing pain in his right side. Come to find out Uncle Jesse had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery. So, her Aunt Becky had twin boys, while Uncle Jesse had his appendix removed. I couldn't understand why that episode, well one part in particular, kept playing in my mind. The scene was Aunt Becky being wheeled back to deliver her boys, Uncle Jesse was explaining to the doctor that he had a funny pain in his side and just chalking it up to sympathy pain. Well, the doctor pushed where Jesse pointed and Jesse went down in pain. The doctor was like, "You need surgery to remove your appendix." This scene kept playing over and over in my mind, that is until I was examined by my doctor. My mom and I had discussed the possibility of needing my appendix removed, I wasn't happy with that thought. After all it was Halloween and I had just gotten a brand new costume that I wanted to wear, I didn't want to be stuck at the hospital. I got out of the shower and headed over to my appointment. My doctor examined me and had a feeling that it was my appendix that was bothering me, to confirm whether or not it was in fact my appendix, she wanted some blood work done. I was like, "Okay. I just want to know what is wrong." Anyone that has been with me when I have had to give a blood sample, knows I don't do too well and have come close to passing out. This was one of those times. My mom was seated across from me and wasn't able to hold my hand and talk to me. I have to have constant conversation when I am having blood drawn or passing out is a very real possibility. This time wasn't any different, my mom tried to talk to me, but because she couldn't squeeze my hand and alert me that I was holding my breath and I needed to breathe, I held my breath unintentionally and starting to slump in the chair. This alarmed the poor technician who was drawing my blood. Thankfully, another doctor was walking by and saw what was about to happen. He got me down on the ground and lifted my legs up, and got me stable enough to move to a different room. He then asked what was going on and by this point my doctor had shown up and let him know what she thought was wrong. He examined me and during the examination, I tensed up pretty bad, enough to alarm him. He then turned to my mom and said, "She needs to go to the Emergency Room, ASAP. Don't even go home." So, my mom did as she was told. We went to the E.R. and waited for a bit to be seen, had tests run and a C.T. scan done. The results of the C.T. scan showed that my appendix was about to burst and it needed to be removed immediately and my left ovary had a cyst on top of it. The E.R. doctor was a bit confused when I didn't show any pain when he would push on my left side, but showed extreme pain when he pushed on my right side. That's just me, the oddball, but I am okay with that. As I was waiting to be seen by the doctor who was going to do my surgery, panic set in a lot and very quickly. I have a tell tell sign when I am having a severe panic attack, and that is my legs shake uncontrollably. It feels like I am super cold and my body is trying to keep warm, but I am sweating and feel warm when that happens. Side story, the first time this ever happened to me was when my dad had to be rushed to the E.R. because of a complication of his tonsillectomy. It was the middle of the night and my mom came and woke us kids up, I knew something was wrong. I got out of bed and I heard my dad in the bathroom, it sounded like he was throwing up. He was in a sense, a blood vessel contracted during his tonsillectomy and the doctor's weren't able cauterize it. This caused him to bleed a day or two after surgery, because his blood vessel then relaxed. I was terrified of losing my dad, and in such a scary way. Mom had called 911, and the firefighters were the first responders. One of those brave men, saw me and my siblings sitting on the couch in the living room, quiet and scared. I will never forget the words he spoke when he saw us sitting there. "Don't you guys worry. We are going to take care of your dad and get him the help he needs." As we were waiting for help to arrive I was shaking super hard and panicking quite a bit, the moment those first responders came in and the one knelt down and told us everything was going to be okay. I felt a sense of calm and it was then that I knew my dad was going to be okay and that he was going to get the help he needed. Okay, back to me waiting to be seen by the surgeon. The E.R. doctor told us that the doctor who was going to perform my surgery was going to come and talk to me before I was to be wheeled back to the O.R., that isn't exactly what happened. I was being wheeled back, then the doctor came a spoke with me and my mom about what was going to happen and what to expect. During this time I was super scared and trembling, this time I was scared out of my mind and extremely cold. I was trying to get my nerves under control and had little to no success at this point. That is until I prayed asking if I would be okay, even without a priesthood blessing. Priesthood blessings have always brought me comfort and healing, both physically and mentally. Priesthood blessings are hard for me to explain so I will try and put a link at the bottom of this blog, if you would like more information about what I believe in. So, even without a priesthood holder or even a blessing, I sensed a male presence in the room with me and my mom, not the doctor's presence either. The doctor was in and out of the rooms so much that my head started to spin. :) This was the presence of someone that I wasn't fully familiar with, but that presence brought me so much comfort and a sense of calm that I can't even put it in words, it was just that strong. It was one of those moments in my life where, I needed to have faith AND hope to get the things I truly needed. 

    I received those things, because I asked, not because I assumed the heavens would part or that I would hear this mysterious voice telling me what to do, or even have such a grand miracle happen that my faith would be restored. No, that isn't how God, our Heavenly Father works. I have seen those priceless quiet moments, where He and our Savior answer prayers, even if it isn't in the way we want, I have been in some of those moments. There are moments where there is so much noise, whether it is a physical sound or your own voice screaming doubts in your mind, that we tend to let these things overwhelm us and take us to places we fear the most. I don't know what your beliefs are or even if you don't know how to pray, but please know that you are heard, by many people. BUT we must be open minded about what answers we get, if you are truly at the end of your rope, I ask you, Will you go find somewhere quiet and just start to pray? There is no specific way to pray, just start speaking out loud if that is what you need to do. And when you are done, clear your mind let the silence consume you, and you might see that it isn't in the loud parts of our lives that we can grow closer to ourselves and most importantly our Father in Heaven, Savior Jesus Christ, and even our family members who have left this life. It's the quiet, peace filled moments that we can truly heal and move forward. I have had many prayers, where I feel like I am not being heard or even answered, but then I am proven wrong. I have felt broken beyond repair, and just poured my heart out to no one in particular, I just start talking, because I know that I am not alone. Even though I feel like I am alone in this world, fighting this world by myself, I know that is a lie. I have been shown in small simple ways that I am and never have been alone in this life or my own personal struggles. If you feel you aren't getting help from anyone in your life and maybe you have tried to pray and felt like you have been ignored. I ask you, Will you try just one more time? Don't focus on the negative, try to find the smallest amount of positivity in your life and if you have a broken heart, pour it out to the One who truly knows you. I hope that if you are struggling with anything that you too can find peace and healing, in positive healthy ways. May our Father in Heaven smile and protect you and your families. 

Until next time,

Warrior Daughter