Future Unknown...

 Hey Everyone,

    I hope you are all doing well and life is good for you and your families. I know that I haven't written lately, sorry about that, life has been crazy busy and challenging for me lately. 

  So, last time I wrote I was at one job, with a hope that I could find a different job. I was working with kids in a daycare type of setting and I enjoyed it, but it didn't come without major challenges for me. I then decided to go back to my "roots" working with kids, as an assistant teacher. One of my favorite jobs that I have ever worked was as an assistant teacher in a special education class. I still miss those kiddos but knowing that I could be a part of their lives, even for the short time I was in their lives, means the world to me. I learned a lot about myself during that short period of time, 5ish years ago. Those beautiful kids taught me and I hope that I was able to teach them something, even if it was a small thing. While I was at the childcare position, I was really missing the strict structure that a classroom has, and being able to help kids learn about the world around them. So, I applied for an assistant teacher position at a privately owned school. I accepted the position, but I truly struggled in that position. I have my own set of mental health issues so I felt helpless, and like I wasn't helping the kids to learn and grow. I was quite miserable, sadly I was miserable from day one. It wasn't what I was hoping for, but I did the best I could, for my coworkers and the kids. I realized early on that I was putting everyone else first, that was a mistake on my end. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to take care of myself, I was always falling short. I couldn't stop stressing out about the things that were happening at work and I was mildly depressed. I knew it and did my best to get myself up and start enjoying life again. It wasn't until the end of February, that I was let go from that particular job, that I finally felt like I had a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I am no longer overthinking, overwhelmed and dreading a work day. 

  When the pandemic started two years ago, many lost their jobs. I was one of those people. I was so happy, relaxed and truly enjoying my life. I was safe with my family. But I know then that I was a very blessed woman during that time and even now. So many people have lost their lives, and loved ones because of this dreadful virus and so much more. And now there is so much unrest in the world, again today. I will admit that during the pandemic, I was afraid of getting covid 19 and leaving this earth, I have moderate to severe asthma. As I continued to follow the recommendations of the CDC, I felt more at ease the more time passed. I was exposed to covid earlier this year, but as I wore my mask and was up to date on my vaccinations I didn't catch covid, or if I did it was a very mild case and I didn't know. I don't know if I ever had it or not, but I truly feel blessed regardless. Even though I was out of work and not knowing where to go for work, I felt a sense of peace and quiet, I felt deep down that I would be okay and everything would work out at the right time. Since I am out of work again, I feel the same peace, and I know that things will happen when the time is right. I haven't gotten a clue were to go for work right now, because I am not sure what my mental health issues are, I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and varying levels of depression, but somehow those diagnosis's don't feel complete to me, like there is something more that I am dealing with. I just recently had some psychological testing done, and hopefully I can get some clearer answers to the things that I have been dealing with my whole life. I started therapy about a year and a half ago, at my therapists recommendation I was able to find another therapist who specializes in psychological testing and specializes in things like autism, adhd and sensory processing disorder. I made an appointment back in August of last year and the earliest I could get in was last month. I am anticipating answers, answers that I have been looking for since I started working, even further back. I can't seem to hold a job down for too long and I don't know if it is all me or how much I am contributing to potential problems. Hopefully I can find answers to questions with this recent testing. It is something that I look forward to finding out, and hopefully I can find some relief in this life (besides staying at home). I truly believe that you need to reach out for help when you feel like you have no where else to go. I was really quite hesitant to go to therapy, even though many people in my life highly recommended it. I didn't feel like it was for me and that I was just fine without it, but then I started to pray and ponder whether or not I should go and at least try therapy. It wasn't until I chose to go and try it out for myself, not feeling pressured by outside forces, that I started on the path to finding the answers that I am in need of at this point in my life. Ever since I can remember, I have felt different, almost like I don't belong. As I have gotten older I have trained myself to blend in, so as to not bring attention to myself (not a fan of the spotlight anymore). I take traits of those around me, that I think are good traits and do my best to (lack of a better word) mimic those traits. So, I could totally agree with you about one thing, but turn around and disagree in a different setting. I have always felt like an actor or chameleon, always blending in. It's very exhausting, especially when I catch myself blending in, there are times where I don't realize what I am doing until I think back on it and realize what I was actually feeling or thinking in that moment. That's one of the many reasons I decided to get some help. Along the way, I realized to that I am not alone in this world nor have I ever have been. So, why was I feeling so alone and like I was doing everything by myself? Because I refused, for a good chunk of my life, to ask for help. I had always assumed that I would be this big burden if I asked for help. This is truly not the case as I have learned. I recently read an article online about asking for help from our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ, and how our relationship with them can positively impact our lives. It probably doesn't seem like that in multiple aspects of our lives, but they are truly in the all of the details of our lives,. We just have to ask for help in seeings those little details that we maybe missing at that point, when we ask with an open heart, we are always heard and given answers. My prayers are even answered when my heart is a little closed off to Them, it just takes me longer to hear and know what the answer from Heaven is. But something else that I have learned, the very hard way I might add, that when Heaven feels super far away and out of our reach, it's not. Sometimes it through the people in our lives that provide the answers that we are earnestly seeking. That has happened to me a lot throughout my life, I will be seeking answers to questions, then out of nowhere someone tells me the answer especially when I least expect an answer. We get answers all of the time, but are we truly hearing them and acknowledging them as the answers we are seeking?

    So, if you are struggling in anyway with your mental health or any aspect of your life please, ask yourself "do I want to continue to feel this way or should I try something that I am not completely comfortable with and see what could happen?" Truly think about it, and pray about it if you need to, the answers might surprise you, the worst that could happen is continuing to feel miserable and alone. If you do choose to get the help you need, be patient with the process and remember that Feeling is truly healing. Without feelings we can't heal or process what we need to in order to feel happy and alive again. 

With Love,

Warrior Daughter of God