Finding out that I am Autistic

 Hey Everyone,

    I hope that you are all doing well and life is great. I know it has been quite sometime and I am very inconsistent with posting, life has been crazy the past couple of years. Some of which I wish to update you on. 

    So, I have mentioned that I was going to be getting tested for Autism, I was tested and I felt like I was misdiagnosed. I had the testing done, most of which I had done just a few months prior, but the diagnosis by that doctor came back as ADHD mild inattentive, Anxiety Disorder, and a mild depression disorder. Well, because I am the kind of person who dives deep into things, that peek my interest, and being told by one doctor that I could be on the Autism Spectrum and another saying that I had ADHD mild inattentive (formerly known as Attention Deficit Disorder). I knew that both conditions had things in common with one another and some major differences, I had to know which condition I truly have. So, the more I researched BOTH conditions, I knew and have known deep down that I am on the Autism Spectrum. I even took the time to pray about it and I knew without a doubt, I am Autistic. After all of that I went to therapy (again) hoping to get some answers and help with things. I even did more testing earlier this year, with hope that I would be diagnosed clearly and get the help I truly need at this point in my life, because therapy wasn't quite as effective as it has been in the past. However things got worse for me. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, depression and a learning disability in math. And once again feeling like I was misdiagnosed. Feeling hopeless and starting to question myself and whether or not I was maybe overthinking things and just feeling like an imposter of sorts, I was done with trying to find answers and just continue on with my life. That is until my wonderful mum, found a therapist that actually can and is more than willing to help me. We went to see meet with the therapist for the first time this past June/July, and after asking a few quick questions, she gave me the conformation that I had been needing. I am Autistic. I have had people ask me how I felt about my diagnosis and I am going to be honest, it feels like this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can now see the light at the end of my tunnel. I am getting the help that I have been in need of for many, many years. Now is the time for me to grow, heal and better understand who I am as an individual.  

    Let me give you a peek into my world, well the best that I can show you, like I said in my first post words aren't my best friend and my communication isn't the strongest. So, sorry in advance if I don't make sense and jump around. 

    I have been thinking back to my past, childhood mostly, because there were red flags but my family and I didn't know that my "quirks" were actually signs of Autism. When I was a baby, we are talking just tiny maybe a month or so old, I would touch and move certain textures through my fingers. I was really fussy one day and my mom had a dress on that had a little satin/silk flower decoration on her dress. (A totally 90's fashion statement) I reached up and started to rub it between my index finger and thumb. This obviously irritated my poor mom, so she did what she could to hide this flower from me. Every attempt she made seemed to upset me even more, so she gave in thinking it was a one time thing. She quickly learned that wasn't the case, this is something that I have carried on into my adult life, at home not in public. But touching things didn't stop there, I would and still have to touch certain textures when I am out and about. That was clue # 1, I was stimming. A thing I do to help me keep calm and remain calm. My stimming looks a bit different now, but I still have to have something silky to hold when I go to sleep. I honestly thought I broke that habit when I was in my preteen years but stress hit me and hard, so I went back to the thing that I knew could help and brings me comfort. 

Clue #2 then came the biting, I didn't want a teething ring (a popular 90's thing). No, I had a foam ball or a pair of plastic keys that I would use for teething. It got to the point where my mom had to remove the foam ball from me because I took a large chunk out of it. When I was about 18 months or so, my parents had ordered KFC. My mom gave me a drumstick, well while she was eating her dinner and took her eyes off of me for just a split second, she heard a very loud crunching sound coming from my direction. I had eaten the bone, or at least tried to eat it. Mom sprang into action and cleared that out of my mouth. I didn't understand that I needed to stop eating when I hit something hard.

 Clue #3, as I got older and I learned how to walk and climb, I was everywhere and on everything, my mom noticed that I didn't seem to have a sense of danger. Apparently when I was about 2 1/2 years old, I had climbed onto the kitchen table to get to a stick of butter. My mom wasn't sure how I was able to climb onto the table but my dad found me sitting on the table, chowing down on this stick of butter, like it was candy. (Yes, for the longest time I had the weirdest obsession with salted butter.) Since I did not have a sense of danger, I climbed up to get the thing I wanted. Another incident happened when I was about 3 or 4 years old, there was a clothes iron that my mom or dad had just finished using and it was cooling off. Well, I was warned that it was hot and to not touch it. That didn't quite register in my mind and I reached up and touched the iron, burning my hand slightly. I still struggle with that, even as an adult. 

Clue #4, when my family and I went to watch a fireworks show, I freaked out and tried to run away from the sound. Before the fireworks were shot off into the air, there was a live orchestra that performed patriotic songs, and with the song "1812 Overture" they shot cannons off at the very end of the song, that scared me to death, that was even louder then the fireworks. So, after the first time of me running off, I was held by my mom or grandma and they both learned quickly that I needed to be held onto tight and distracted by talking to me or finding something to do with me to keep me from running. I still struggle with fireworks, especially when the fireworks are close to me. 

Clue #5, I would do the same activities over and over. This ranges from watching the same movies (Disney's Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid cartoons), to putting puzzles together over and over, or just playing with the same toys in the same way over and over. As I got older I would line things up and study them for quite some time. The thing that comes to my mind was a toy horse collection that I got when I was about 10-11 years old. I had to know everything I could about those horse figures. And nowadays I will play the same song on repeat for hours and even days at a time. I still watch the same movies and tv shows over and over as well.

Clue #6, I have always struggled with imaginative play. I can't do even now, and believe me I have tried. Working with kids you need to interact with them and play with them, well I never understood their imaginative playing. I would try to follow the kids lead but then I was told I was doing it wrong. When I was growing up I was usually telling others what to do or just leaving to go do my own thing.

 Clue # 9, my sensory sensitivities, this is more than just the loud noises. I remember (very distinctly) that anytime my socks would roll down around my ankles I would go a bit crazy and I couldn't wait to get those socks off of my feet. It was such a relief when I would get home from school and I could take my shoes off. I have never been the best at wearing shoes, and it has to be certain styles of shoes that I will wear or I will go barefoot. I have been that way my whole life. But it wasn't just shoes, I absolutely hate getting my teeth cleaned by a dentist or a dental hygienist. The sounds are overwhelming and I hate the drilling and scraping of my teeth. *Shudders* I also can't stand the rubber gloves on my face or in my mouth. I remember when I was about 3 years old, I deliberately bit a dental hygienist because I didn't want her gloved hands anywhere near my face. Well, I freaked her out and she requested that my mom sit next to me from that point on. Probably because I just bit her (hard) and couldn't explain why I bit down on her finger. Anything that is slimy in texture or wet rubber, makes me feel very sick. I also have aversions to materials, for example I can't handle lace. It feels like someone is rubbing sandpaper against my skin. This aversion is also applied to food and anything that is slimy, squishy, or mushy, my body will physically reject that food. It can't smell funky either, so seafood is a big problem. Other people can eat seafood but I can't. 

Clue #10, I would take on parts of other people's personalities and make it seem like it was my own personality. I genuinely thought that was a normal thing to do, until I was in my late 20s. I was at work and realized that I didn't actually agree with what the group was going on about but I didn't know how to voice my thoughts or opinions, so I just agreed and pretended. It was then I realized that I don't really know who I am as an individual. I'm currently working on that and hopefully I can better understand who I am and just simply be me. A beautiful Daughter of God who is different from everyone else and that's okay. This is called masking, where I hide how I feel about something or what I might think about something. This leads me into the next clue.

Clue #11, not being able to express my thoughts, feelings or not understanding what I am feeling. This can (and lately has caused) meltdowns. So, as I mentioned in one of my first blog posts (if not my very first post) I have mentioned that words and I don't get along. I feel a lot of things all at once, making it hard for me to understand or identify what emotions I am feeling. Masking doesn't help me in that regard either, as I have mentioned in this post I take on other's personality and at times I take on their emotions. This at times for me means I can be the most negative or positive person to be around. So, I have to be careful now and learn to be more aware about what I am thinking and feeling and not be afraid to express those things. Growing up I was always told when I did something wrong, and that was usually when I was just being me.

Well, that's just a small glimpse into my mind and how I work. I am definitely working on just being uniquely me. I am a Daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father and Mother, first and foremost. 

That's all for now. Talk to ya guys later!! Have an Amazing Day!!!

Warrior Daughter